I’m putting this up to remind myself why I should never go to the grocery store anytime after 11am, running on 6 hours of sleep and with a pounding headache.

I have grievances about pretty much everything I do. Laziness dictates whether or not I should write about them or not and most of the time laziness wins. Laziness would win today except that it hurts to lie down and it wouldn’t do me any good to try to fall asleep right now anyway.

I dislike going to the grocery store. I especially dislike going on weekends but sometimes I can’t help that matter. Weekends are the worst because that’s when the full display of general ratchetness comes out. What I mean by that is 90% of the women under 40 are shaped like upside-down bottles of Mott’s apple juice, they either wear flip-flops or Uggs depending on the weather, they have scarves to shield their clearly past expiration date weaves and they usually have on Tweety Bird pajama pants (apparently because it’s too much trouble to pull on some pants).

If it was one chick it wouldn’t bother me but it’s damn near every chick and they all either have a nonchalant man who would rather be anywhere but there or a cavalry of kids tagging behind them. Usually you don’t know the difference because both get yelled at while the chick is on her phone.

So what does that have to do with me? Well other than just being an eyesore, it’s annoying that I can’t navigate past them. They usually have 2 carts full of juice, chips, cookies and all kinds of crap that probably costs $300 dollars but doesn’t amount to more than an actual meal (I never understand that. How do you have a cart full of junk and no food? These are usually the same fat people who don’t know how to cook. It’s perplexing). They always expect me to either wait for them to move or think that because I’m skinny that somehow equates to my cart being skinny too (And I do get the evil glares for being skinny and having food in my cart that can’t be consumed without cooking).

After battling roly poly’s, thirsty dudes, Bebe’s kids and old ladies who can only walk at .002 mph I’m finally done but realize that on a Saturday afternoon the stupid ass store still thinks that having 4 cashiers on duty is adequate (Why do they bother having 15 registers if anytime you go in the store, the 3 on the farthest end of the store are never ever open for any reason?) Now I’m standing in a long line and it never fails for me to end up behind someone who has a cart full of stuff and didn’t bother to estimate how much everything cost so now their cheap asses are standing there trying to put half of the things they got (and it’s always the healthy food too) back (don’t let that happen with a new cashier or else you will be there for at least 45 minutes).

So in my agitation I stand there and wait because it’s not like there’s a shorter line (How can there be when there’s 150 people in the store and only 4 open registers?) My eyes start drifting to the stupid tabloids. Like Sophisticate’s Black Hair where every last one of the 20 chicks on the cover all wear obviously fake or unnaturally dyed hair or some tabloids with at least one of the Whoretrashians (or random ass Mexican girls photoshopped to look like one of them) on it or those extra crazy ones that always talk about how some current politician is secretly dying. None of those hold my attention but the candy does only because now I realize I’m old and I came up in a time when Snickers didn’t cost damn $1.09 (FML. Used to be able to get 3/$1 back in the day).

Finally it’s my turn to check out and for some reason the cashiers think it’s always a good idea to run and take a break while I’m standing in front of them but they come back, scan my stuff and as always I feel ripped off but I have no choice but to come back in a week. Maybe next time I’ll do better and show up like a Thursday morning at 8am (I already don’t come on the 1st of the month because that’s all this mess times 10. Maybe I should start crossing off the 2nd too).